Shameful!

I ran across a piece of my history that I had blocked out of my thoughts.  I was forced to do something that went against every single fiber of my being!  When I ran across the evidence, I instantly felt sick to my stomach all over again.  I'm so ashamed of this single act, I can't describe it.  I will however own up to it!  This is my apology to everyone everywhere, I'm very very sorry!!  Here's the story:

From 1991 to 1993 I worked for the Boy Scouts of America.  I was the Executive Secretary to the Program Director and CEO of the County Council.  Really, I was desperate for money being the single parent to a toddler.  I was the only Non-Mormon member of the staff of 15 or so.  I loved the people there with only a couple of exceptions.  In order to fit in with staff and the hundreds of Scouts and Parents, I wore a disguise of sorts.  

One morning I arrived to work thinking it would be a quiet day.  The head honchos that I catered to were all away at a national event.  The phone started ringing off the hook immediately.  Shortly before this, there was a case in San Francisco where a gay man was turned away from leading a pack.  It went to court and the Boy Scouts won, they could indeed exclude homosexuals.  They mandated it throughout the states.  I remember biting my tongue on dozens of occasions to keep my paycheck from disappearing.

Several banks and institutions disagreed with the decision by the Boy Scouts and ceased their donations.  It was quite controversial.  A couple from Sultan, WA protested their bank by returning a $45,000 loan they received and cancelling their accounts.  They had the media in a frenzy! 

Because of the national event, I was the senior ranking person in the office that day.  The CEO faxed me a statement for the public.  I begged him to have one of the other girls make the statement.  I tried to convince one of the girls to do it.  I even tried the "you can stand for what you believe in" but no luck.  I finally called the CEO back and refused to do it and he put me on notice.  Do it or be on your way.  So, I did it.  Here's the article from the Everett Herald.  By the way, Bismore is my maiden name.

There it is.  Can you believe I said those words??  Oh my God!!  There are only two or three things in my life that I'm deeply, genuinely ashamed of and this is one.  I can't do anything about it now so I will finally face it, own it and let it go.  I won't even make any excuses.  Single parent or not, I should have walked out the door that day and never looked back.  It was a mistake.

I did some amazing work there.  I have to share.  I was in charge of the 75 year anniversary fund raising event and I had a blast!  Larry was an awesome man and I enjoyed working with him.  Check out his nod to me in the forward. 

Working at the Boy Scouts was not all bad.  I hope that this doesn't come across like a judgemental or prejudice thing.  It's not that at all.  I simply don't agree with most of the fundamentals.  It should not have been my voice, it was not my message. 

Thank you for listening and please forgive me.  I'm deeply sorry!



It's noisy in here!

As I said in this post Deep Dark Confessions I'm fascinated by Bethenny Frankel's book "A Place of Yes".  We already talked about rule #1 Break the Chain.  Today I want to tackle a few of her 10 rules at once:

2. Find your Truth
3. Act on it
4. Everything is your business

In order to achieve the second rule finding your truth, you have to clear alot of noise.  Noise is the BS that we carry that isn't ours that keeps us from the truth.  I'm sure we'll talk about noise again and again.  There are two main types of noise I want to discuss today in relationship to these rules:  Relationship Noise and Perfectionist Noise

This book is hilarious, Bethenny is a recovering serial monogamist like me.  Moved from one relationship to the other without any personal growth space in between.  She talks so openly about owning up to the relationships we've had and the value of exploring the truth about them. 

I never owned up or opened up to my daughter about her biological father (sperm donor as we call him).  This subject is ripe for it's own blog another day.  The short version is that I haven't seen him since the day I told him I was pregnant 22 years ago.  Opening up to her and my husband about this relationship (or really the lack thereof) was a huge healing!  I'm a bit raw yet liberated!  My husband was wise beyond belief when he pointed out that my noise keeps me from calling him by his given name.  RAY and I were not a couple, it started out a party and ended in pain both physical and emotional.  Lots more work to do on this one but owning it, acting on it and making it my business to get to the truth reaps huge rewards. 

Perfectionist noise is pretty self explanatory.  Here's my favorite quote from this chapter:  "You must find the line between high standards for yourself and destructive perfectionist noise".  Amen Sister!  If only it were that easy!  HA HA  In my spiritual training they call it perfect pictures.  Whatever you want to call it, I'm fraught with it head to toe.  Knowing that truth is essential to clearing it.  Balancing this area is so hard!  I sabbotage alot of things because I can't achieve perfect.  I also lose a lot of wars because I let the perfectionist noise take over one individual battle.  I will find that line one of these days.

I won't lie, it's frustrating to have these extra layers of crap.  Damn, clearing them feels like a canon ball into a cool lake on a hot day.  Free yourself of the noise that bogs you down.  Find YOU in there and BE YOU.  Love yourself no matter what you did or didn't do.  Accept YOU just as YOU ARE!!

Deep Dark Confession

This blog is about to embark on a new journey.  Before we go, I have a confession to make that I'm not very proud of.  I'm a reality TV junky!!  I love the real housewives series'!  It's so fun to watch these crazy bitches who have so much money to throw around, maids, nannies, huge homes and a wealth of drama!  This addiction is all my daughters fault, she gave me my first syringe full and I have never been the same. 

Why am I telling you this?  What is the new journey?  I'm reading Bethenny Frankel's book "A Place Of Yes"  This book is already so great and I'm only 30% in.  It's chalked full of fodder for this blog mostly because it validates the healing path I'm already on.

Of all the housewives, Bethenny is the one I admire.  She has grown an amazing business, found a great husband and has a beautiful daughter.  She displays and embodies balance in her life.  Please don't hear me comparing myself to her but I do think there are similarities.  The book is kind of a self help book about her story.  She admits to the world that she got there the hard way.  As did I. 

Over the coming weeks I want to explore some of the themes in her book.  In the book are 10 rules to help you come from a place of yes.  Here they are: 

1. Break the chain
2. Find your truth
3. Act on it
4. Everything is your business
5. All roads lead to Rome
6. Go for yours
7. Separate from the pack
8. Own it
9. Come together
10. Celebrate!

The first rule is the one I would like to explore today.  Break the chain...  It's pretty simple, break any chains from your childhood or past that you don't care for ("take or leave it")  One part really spoke to me.  Discussing pain from her childhood:  "I've decided it has to stop with me because it's no longer only about me.  I won't pass on the dysfunction.  I refuse to do it.  Instead, I'll take all that is good in me and leave the rest behind." 

If I had read this book at 20, it might have changed the shape of my parenting path.  Is it too late for me?  I don't know, but it's too late for my parenting.  When I read this chapter I was forced to admit that I didn't break the chain in time for our kids.  I can feel guilty in spades but what benefit would that bring?  Thankfully, my 21 year old daughter is reading this book along with me so that eases my guilt some.  I did learn through meditation in the last 10 years to break the chain.  I will never say too little too late, I don't believe it. 

What it means to break the chain is really about purging beliefs, patterns, habits and pain that you took on from your childhood that doesn't really belong to you.  Let go of anything that isn't yours, love the things that are good in you and leave the rest by the side of the road.  Sounds good to me!!

The Sky is Falling!!!

Rumor has it that the world will end at 6pm this evening.  The Rapture!  I'm skeptical about it, but I could be wrong.  We're expecting that big earthquake and I think it would be apropos if it came at 5:59 but then the world didn't end.  Ha ha!

What if the world did end today?  It's almost like asking what if you died today?  Those age old questions:  Would you have regrets?  Would you leave unfinished business?  Sure, I would have regrets and unfinished business but who cares?  My regrets are few at this point in my life.  The business can be beautiful even unfinished.  Besides, if I'm dead I won't care about the shape of things I left behind.  Maybe it's happiness we are asking about.  Would you die happy???

Happiness has been on my mind a lot lately.  There's a lot of people out there that are not happy.  A few people that are really close to me have huge burdens in their life and are not happy.  Some are always suffering some anxiety, chaos or drama almost in an effort to avoid happiness.  I've been there but no more!

I'm happier then I have ever been!  Am I delirious?  No, just joyful, grateful and full of love.  I feel comfortable in my own skin.  It took me 40 some years to get here but I'm here.  If the world ends tonight, I'm good!!  I will die happy. 

My happiness seems to be a problem for some.  Sorry Charlie, that's your tough luck.  I'm not going to be sad because you're sad.  I have compassion, love and empathy for you but it's not going to help you feel better if I don't feel good.  I'm happy so deal with it!

I think I'll take my uncomfortable bra off around 5:45 this evening.  Then I will be completely comfy and ready for whatever comes my way.  Just kidding!  I better leave it on in case I have to run....

Mission Impossible???

People, I have a mission on my hands!  I must find a comfortable bra!!  I can't bring myself to buy another bra that hurts and doesn't fit well.  I WON'T! 

Largely endowed women have few options in the world.  I gave up on pretty bras a long time ago, I can deal with that.  What I can't deal with is finding something close to comfortable!  After four fittings in the last 6 months, I'm throwing in the towel on every retail lingerie department.  I'm in for over $150 and all I have to show for it is severe chaffing!

Part of this challenge is to accept my body just as it is.  It's imperfect and I guess pretty hard to fit.  One of my breasts is quite a bit larger then the other.  When did this happen?  Sometime around 40, I suppose I didn't really notice until recently.  I'm checking with my Mom and Sisters to find out if I'm the only one.  Perhaps it's hereditary.

I read that 8 out of 10 women are wearing the wrong bra size.  In my fittings I have been put in a 34DD all the way to a 38DDD.  I'm definitely not a 38DDD although the big left one enjoyed the DDD!  HAHA! How frustrating, there's no standard bra out there with two different cup sizes.  I need something custom made just for me.  I hope I can find it.

Wish me luck!

Mystery People??

This blog has quite a few mystery readers!  The statistics show my audience has grown from the US and Canada to Germany, France, Denmark, Malaysia, Russia, United Kingdom, Iran, Kenya, Australia and even Singapore.  Who are you?  I'm so curious! 

Now, I'm wondering what this broader audience wants to see in my blog.  Is it different then my North American audience? 

If you are reading this in another country, please click follow!!  Then comment and let me know who you are and how you found me.  Tell me anything you want about the blog.   I can't wait to hear your comments!

Have a great day!

lauralivingaloud in the lab!!

I GOT TO GO IN THE LAB!!  SOOOOO much fun! 

This blog is NOT affiliated with the company I work for.  Having said that, I will tell you this much:  I'm in Supply Chain Management in the biotech industry.  I've been going to the same business park campus for the last 18 years.  I vowed in year 1 to ALWAYS take advantage of any opportunity to get some lab time!  I try for twice a year.  Most trips are not this gowned up, usually the coat and safety goggles but not the hair net and gloves.  It's a must for many reasons.

It's so amazing in there.  Everything we bought and maintain is in motion.  I get to put the pieces of the puzzle together of what it looks like and how or where they use it.  Which instruments go together, in fact everything seems to be connected.  Fascinating!  The education really makes me more effective at my job.

The room I was in today was a very small room with minimal amount of equipment.  In the way back of the warehouse in a QC sampling room.  My friend Tom and I went to photograph a damaged product for a vendor.  Must be nasty stuff if you gotta dress like that to open the bucket lid to expose the torn bag.  Ha!  That was the best 10 minutes of my whole day!!!  

Another vain aspect that I love about going into the lab is the money.  My eyes go around the room and I recount it in my head.  The balances, HPLC's, those flasks are expensive!  I can even tell you how much the metro racks cost.  LOL  

Great break in my day and a vacation from routine.   Next time, I'll remember to avoid the latex gloves.  HA!