Danger, Will Robinson!

DANGER!  You know that feeling, don't you?  Total fear washes over you from a place so deep it's indescribable.  Your pulse soars and your whole body flushes white.  Houston, we have a problem! 

I found myself walking to my car tonight in a dark, not so great area when I realized that I was parked next to a van with dark windows.  RED FLAG I stopped dead in my tracks.  As I started forward extremely slowly I contemplated climbing in the passenger door.  I thought 'grow up' but every instinct told me to proceed carefully.  I did, and it was no problem, thankfully!!

I've taken some self defense classes and read a lot about what experts recommend.  When walking (especially in the dark) I make eye contact with everyone, my head and eyes move constantly to observe all my surroundings.  I walk like I own the place and speak to everyone I see.  I carry my keys by a leather strap so I can slap the shit out of someone in a variety of ways.  There's a fine line between precaution and paranoia.  I'll be honest, I don't know where it is.

I've been in some dicey situations in my life and I have learned two main things:  1. People are capable of anything and 2. I don't have to participate.  I felt silly once I was in my car but I read the news.  If I'm consciously creating my life, I'm going to be careful and concentrate on creating nonviolent experiences.  I hope you do too.

Now, I'll get to the heart of the matter.  What this blog is really about is fear.  I'm so aware that in situations like tonight, the fear that arises is disturbing and worth a second look.  Fear is debilitating.  Where is this fear coming from?  Why does it feel so incredibly intense?  Here's my theory:

I've been storing fear my whole life.  All the scary situations I had the first 25 years of my life were ignored.  Fear from benign situations like this as well as some that didn't go my way.  I shoved it down and there it sat.  Tonight came along and I said "NOT ME, OH NO" in defense, out of sheer survival.  My guttural response is that I'm going to die right here and now.  Upon second look, it's not right now after all.  It's left over from years before.

Thank God I know what to do now, meditation offers me an outlet to deal with fear.  I'm not selling mediation, I'm just saying that's what works for me.  I can release this fear!  I'm not crazy, imagine how prepared I'll be if I'm dealing with the here and now.